Sexy AF

Sexy. This is not a word I associated with myself for many years.

Growing up I was a thin child, a chubby pre-teen, a thin teenager, a heavy 20-something year old, and since my 30’s my weight has been pretty consistent and what I like to call “kinda average” (currently size 14).

But sexiness isn’t defined by your waist size.

Oh no.

This I have come to learn.

The first time I ever felt sexy I was 17 years old and just started dating my first girlfriend. We were obsessed with each other and exploratory lesbian sex was AMAZING, sweet and loving. We were similar sized. Maybe size 8? 10? I can’t remember (that’s how non-issue weight was to me personally in high school). I think I use to buy size 30 or 32 men’s shorts. Not sure what that equals? Anyway — we were sexy together and she made me feel like the most “handsome boy” around. It was a sweet/exciting time in my life and it made a lasting impression on me.

By my 20’s I was dealing with health issues. Both physical and emotional. I suffered terribly with my stomach when I was in my 20’s. Most likely from years of stress via my childhood. Now that I was “free” from that, my body had a chance to breakdown (and eventually reboot).

For the longest time I would take two extra-strength Pepcid AC’s a day, and even that wouldn’t help the persistent nausea and overall “icky” feeling. Italians call it “ashida”….I had this almost every day.

Especially when I ate healthy foods.

Every time I would try to eat things like salad, yogurt, granola bars, oatmeal, etc., my stomach would feel sick. Unfortunately things like bread, potatoes, pasta, rice and sweets DIDN’T make me feel sick. Guess what I would usually eat? I ordered fried rice so much for my “sick stomach” in my 20’s that I am almost unable to eat it these days. Before I knew it my 153 lb body (which looked more like 130) turned to 169 and then 189 and then 193. I was extremely unhappy. I have ALWAYS been into fashion (my own style) and cared about my looks. Here I was now in my 20’s dealing with weight gain, worse breakouts, and a smile I was shy about (long story for another time). Even when women would flirt with me, I wouldn’t believe it and shrugged it off. Regardless, I was in a relationship with one of the most amazing women from age 19-30, but we were more SISTERS than anything else quite honestly. It is a relationship that should’ve never really progressed but it was comfortable and safe.

By my late 20’s I was full of anxiety, irritable, always feeling sick, suffered with terrible loneliness and was not happy with my weight/looks at all.

Something had to change.

Big time.

And it did.

I had just turned 30 and I remember sitting at my kitchen table in Providence with my mother and crying like I never cried before. I was dealing with a reoccurring UTI that felt like knives in my vagina and abdomen (no joke). It was so bad I dreaded getting up in the morning. The discomfort was unbearable and Dr’s were of little to no help. I sat at the table and told my mother that I just wanted to be happy and feel alive. I told her that “I wanted to fall in the type love that makes me nervous, gives me dry mouth and makes me too shy to look in their eyes.” I wanted that intense, passionate love that you see in movies because that is the type love I had inside me just dying to be given to the right woman. My mother knew I was on the verge of a breakdown. So much so she started a prayer novena. My mother isn’t the most religious person by all means, but she was dedicated and completely focused on praying for me, her daughter, and my health and happiness.

That week – sometime in mid June 2006 – I got on the scale and til this day the number I saw was the highest of my life.

I snapped.

I began walking/running on my treadmill 2-3 hours a day.

I started drinking tons and tons of water.

But, most importantly, I was falling in love with a new friend I had made.

This gave me the motivation I needed.

Falling in love also gave me endless butterflies and excitement that I literally would forget to eat. I would eat the bare minimum, not on purpose, just because I was so occupied.

Long story short my long-term relationship ended and 6 months after becoming friends with this woman online, we met, fell in love, she moved to RI and we had a happy life for 5+ years.

Best part? I had lost 40+ lbs in less than 2 months. It literally melted off me. I was living life! I was happy! I was alive! And my GF was a health fanatic – the best kind though, she loved to eat AND work out! LOL! I learned so much about cooking and eating healthy and we’d go to the gym together 4-5 times a week. It was a team effort and it worked perfectly. I remember fitting into one of her “small size 12” jeans one day and being so excited that I could pull them down without unzipping them! At the train station, when my mother picked me up, (I had often taken the train to Jersey to visit her before she moved to RI), I ran up to driver’s side of the car, more excited than I had been in years, and said, “OMG, MOM – WATCH THIS!” — and I proceeded to pull down my jeans (I had boxers underneath – relax – lol) without unzipping them! LOL! Considering I was pushing a size 18 months earlier, this was a miracle to me! My mother use to tell me she could see “the happy in my eyes” — and man, was I.

👉Oh, and by the way – the novena prayer my mother did for me every day was for precisely what began to happen. She told me she prayed that I would find happiness, fall in love and be healthy. The main gist of it was —- be happy. Coincidence? I think not!

So, I not only lost a ton of weight, I had a dental cosmetic procedure and started medicine to clear up my skin. That Des — the 30 year old me — has been maintained on/off for 14 years now. Am I as skinny as I was between age 30-35? NO! Am I as heavy as I was in my late 20’s? NO! I am a roller coaster of up/down depending on things like health and ya know, global pandemics….ahem.

Now back to sexy…..

You would think I felt my sexiest between age 30-35 at a lose size 12, and yes I felt pretty fucking good about myself and body, but it still wasn’t the sexiest I ever felt.

Nope.

That didn’t happen until I was 41 years old and a size 14.

It was in my 40’s (I am 44 now) that I realized sexiness is something you either have or you don’t. Sexiness comes to life when it is appreciated and encouraged not only by yourself but your partner and for me, that happened at age 41.

Sexiness can be defined a million different ways. The trick is finding someone that finds and appreciates YOUR kind of sexy and brings it out of you, or better yet, makes it easy to bring out of yourself.

I was constantly told things about me that turned my partner on and they weren’t just appearance based. Being told something over and over again is going to make you feel pretty fucking good! In the same respect, I did the same for her. It was an equal give and take for sure. Also, sexiness in relationships comes down to good old fashioned chemistry too. You either have that or you don’t. If you have it then feeling sexy and good about yourself in both your eyes and your partner’s should be as natural as breathing. You shouldn’t be able to keep your hands off each other — or want to. At least that’s my experience.

I am the same now as I was at age 41. Same breakout issues. Same weight. Same insecurities and I still feel good about myself. Yes, you can feel good about yourself and still have things you’d like to change. Things you are shy or uncomfortable about. My body dysmorphia is because I wish I had more of a boyish shape and until I accept the fact this won’t happen I will always have it. My ex and I discussed this a lot and being told I was “hot and sexy” just the way I was made me feel hot and sexy — just the way I was. That makes a person feel pretty damn good and confidant, and I was able to hold onto that, and continue to do so.

This same mentality carries over to my relationship today with my beautiful girlfriend (both on the inside and out). You can’t fake chemistry!

But yes, ultimately this has to come from YOURSELF. I have a healthy enough self-love that would take a lot to break my spirit. I think if I made it this far, having experienced so many different type relationships and having survived periods in my life when I was truly unhappy with all aspects of myself, I think I am pretty safe. I have a firm understanding that beauty and sexiness is more than skin deep.

This is also why I am passionate about how women feel about themselves and will always be on the side of making someone feel beautiful – both emotionally and physically. I know what it’s like to not feel this way — not because of other people — but because of myself.

Lord knows how many eating disorders could be avoided if children just grew up without society preaching what is and isn’t deemed as attractive. Its so gross. Some people like peanut butter and some people don’t. Are the people who like peanut butter better? Are the people who smear it on their body sexier than the people who are allergic to it? See my point??

For every person you find unattractive, someone will find them attractive. So goes life. We all have our preferences. Find someone who shares yours and be happy, damnit!

All I know is if I can make one person feel good about themselves, I will go above and beyond to do so because I am so grateful for the ones who have done that to me.

Size 14, acne, body dysmorphia and all.

-Des